I Don't Like Writing

Exploring my reluctance to write

I don't like writing. It gives me jimmies. It makes me think when I'd rather just watch TV. Or rather it makes me not think, when I'd rather think about something -- *anything*, but the emptiness of non-thinking. So I have to force myself to do it, like a lazy person trying to lose weight. Cause I do like what writing does to me. I like to feel like I'm expressing myself, even if my only audience is my computer screen, my little black book, and my own, damned, dysfunctional head. It makes me feel clearer, somehow. Someday, I want to write the next great American novel. ~~Write~~ Right now I'm writing a bad personal introspection. I think, like a weight trainer has to build up their muscles with 20-pounders, for weeks, months, years, first, I probably have to build up my brain with simple, boring, but at the very least, honest text, before I can write those big volumes.


It's still incredibly boring. I want to gouge my eyes out and go to sleep. I hate the way my work always has this self-depricating overtone. "I hate my work, it always sucks, it's incredibly boring, I'm only waiting 'till I can write some great book, but honestly, even then, it's still gonna suck because nothing I ever do has any meaning and my work is always B average, and no one's going to want to read this in a million years or even ten days and I just want to die and even if I'm dead I'm not gonna get anywhere I'll probably just be reincarnated as a squirrel cause I'm already nuts anyway, and honestly that would probably be a lot better cause then I wouldn't have to worry about writing well cause squirrels don't have opposable thumbs oh wait they do."


See what I mean? It's complete and utter garbage. And I can still go on, in fact, even this sentence continues the theme of inner self-loathing and incompetence. I have to get out of that mindset, see things from a broader perspective. If I'm comfortable in my own skin, with the sound of my own voice, I'm sure I could write the best prose and poetry out there. The next great American novel. And I'd feel a lot better, too. Maybe someday soon, I'll feel like a person again. Maybe writing will get me there.